JC's Internal Monologue

Desperate

2010-01-23T22:37:00.002-05:00

I am desperate for a break
anything I can get I'll take.
I just don't want to pay
To have my passion whisked away.
"This life is slipping right through my hands"
I want my days to be sprinkled with all those plans.
Plans that I have unplanned
No direction just the lines inside my hands.
It's hard not knowing whats expected
When and where am I allowed to move
before becoming disconnected?
I have pledged a word of bond.
I have sworn to sing the song.
I have passion in my heart. Passion I can't even start
Why is it so hard have. People don't begin to understand.
It's the only way to express what's inside.
It's the only way I know I'm alive.
I am desperate for a break.
Anything I can get I'll take.
Not for money not for a name.
Just so I don't have to feel the same, this way.
Just so I feel like my existence is validated.
Just so my expression of passion is created.
Just so my inside finds it's way out.
Just so I can finally say, "This is what I'm about."
I am so desperate for a break.
I don't want to cause my foundation to shake.
I don't want to lose my life, I want to find it.
I want so badly to come out of hiding.
I just wish I hadn't taken so long.
I hope all of my opportunities are not gone.
I am so desperate
just to be me.

There is a girl...

2009-12-07T01:32:00.002-05:00

There is a girl
who shall remain nameless.
She inspires me
and you would think it is shameful.
But I do not see her beauty outside
I can see past her face deeper even to her eyes.
I wish that I could have been her at a time.
My life was static, an undecipherable pile.
And I would have paid for the wisdom of this child.
But I was poor. I had no desire for wealth.
The riches she has, I did not covet myself.
She is young, but she is smart.
She is used and she is scuffed.
Complacency and mold could never set in.
For her will is strong, and she would not see it bend.
My God! I wish I had seen it then.
The way her life is focused on Him.
I wasted so much in the desert of death.
I look back at so much I want to take back.
My prayer and the fire that fuels all my hope,
is that this girl never loses the future she holds.
Good luck.

No Sun Today

2009-09-25T14:16:00.002-04:00

The morning dark has never left.
The Sun never woke up.
Light is coming from somewhere
making the world easier to see for a time.
I wonder if the Sun is lonely today.
I wonder if it's as lonely as me.
Just for today he's decided to stay away
from the cruelty of the rest of the world.
As if his dreams aren't coming true,
as if he feels he'll never be good enough.
If I had one thing to say
to you Sun, today.
I would remind you that you shine,
and you brighten up life.
Even when you can't be seen.
And one day soon
maybe tomorrow maybe not,
you'll be the smile that people can't explain.
You will be the reason that we forget our pain.
So enjoy your day off
some miss you some don't .
I do.
Until we meet again

Confused, frustrated, complexed, annoyed, curious...

2009-02-13T10:07:00.003-05:00

What is this I'm hearing now?
While I'm sitting steaming with my ear to the floor.
Is there anything you won't give up?
For the laughs, for the cards, for hugs, for the love?
Be serious for a second we're talking about your life.
Just steer it straight for a minute, is this what you think is right?
You are never willing to sacrifice happiness.
And the pursuit of it has left you crawling in the past.
Why are you jumping ship for what you think is important?
Why are you jumping the fence for green grass, are you so self absorbed?
Life is so much more than clean homes and white fences.
You don't care about mending or rebuilding burnt bridges.
Your like a wild animal, you don't learn from mistakes.
Going back to the trap over and over with instinct.
The puppeteer must just laugh, because it's just so easy.
To bring you from the path over your head it's amusing.
Rendering you useless concerning the Call.
Watching you think your proving your a man after all.

We Never Just Sit Down Anymore

2008-11-23T06:00:00.004-05:00

We never just sit down anymore.
Backs are never aching from lying on the floor.
Legs are never shaking from movement we've ignored.
We harbor thoughts good an bad.
We visit them and I wish we had
just one more day to sit and laugh.
One more day to go so far back.
To roll on the ground in the snow or grass.
To pretend we can fly
and live through the crash.
To run and leave life standing still.
The future no concern while the time is killed.
Swimming in the river swinging from the tree.
Climbing through roots barefoot and care free.

We never get to speak anymore.
It's been what feels forever since I sat outside your door.
I haven't forgotten what you used to say.
Lying outside on a sun soaked day.
I never knew I would miss that so much.
I never knew how close I would clutch
the memories that seemed so fresh.
I never though they would be all I would have.
This life is too long and I'll never forget.
Lying side by side floating on the sky
Or walking through the brisk fall air
and staring at your smile.
Sitting on the steps and kissing in the cold.
Holding hand in hand never getting old.
All the time we wasted before the clock would end.
All the time we got so close and called each other friend.
For one more day I'd change my life to see you one more time again.
But since that day you've changed my life and I could never forget.

We never just catch up anymore.
Like nothing has happened
or time is abhorred.
Like stopping to smell what roses remain
would keep us from finishing all the plans we have made.
Our voices and laughter have faded in the wind.
The land remains but the spirit is spent.
Somewhere over the skyline you see.
The passion, the tears, the joy, that used to be.
In one small corner of a great big world.
When we wouldn't trade in for anything we couldn't afford.
I may not have believed it if you told me at the time.
This may have been the greatest time of my life.

Unsettled

2008-11-21T10:59:00.004-05:00

I'm looking for a mirage
a candle in the wind.
The needle, the polar bear, the diamond.
I'm yearning after the unknown
I'm nervous but I have to go.
The longer I stay the more restless I am.
I'm chasing a dream
an oasis from life.
The greener the better.
I want what I'm pretty sure isn't real.
I'm finding it difficult to mesh desire with order.
Characters are enticing
and as real as the roles they play.
No further.
The lights come up on the world,
and I smell like popcorn.
Each sticky step regretful of being in reality.
The alternative is the unattainable.
Love with no mess.
Laughter with no joke.
Happiness with no worry.
Sadness with clear end.
Clean and compartmentalized.
Twenty five inches at a time
or more if you're lucky.
I don't know when I'll accept life as it is.
Hoping I don't have to.
But who am I kidding?
Feeling wrapped up I just have to move.
I just need to feel the earth moving under my feet.

Not this time

2008-11-08T07:35:00.001-05:00

I won't do it,
not this time.
I won't let you ruin me,
not this time.
I'm on my knees
crying out loud.
I'm not getting up,
not this time.
Not before I know
I can trust myself.
Not before I know
I can trust you.
The One who is greater,
is in me.
The one who is not,
will not overcome.
Not this time.

One More Time Around the Block

2008-11-04T05:10:00.001-05:00

Are you kidding Me?
There's about a hundred questions I could ask.
What good would it do?
Ah, there's one now.
It doesn't matter how many times it bores and bores through the thin skin on your head.
Over and over. Again and again. You continue to run in this hampster wheel.
What is your problem?
There I go asking questions again.
Like talking to brick wall.
Strong and ignorant. Steadfast but stubborn and refusing to move.
My words are pushing and pushing with more force.
But they break across your exterior like wind.
They have a small effect, but nothing to be noticed to My eyes.
Mostly My voice is lost on your ears. Breaking across your body to the floor.
Listen. Listen to the Wind.
Your will it breaks like waves on the pier.
The same pier it was where you found Me.
Now you cry hurting yourself, because I am so easily lost among the distraction.
The world spinning so fast. Your vision blurred as you wrestle for control.
You think you have it. So often you assume to be guiding this ship.
Then slowly you begin to take on water, and you abandon the vessel.
I have never let you sink. Ever! Why do you think I would allow it now?
Ah, but another question that will go unanswered.
Refusing to stay afloat, you flail and drown.
And ever faithful, I pick you up by the remainder of the disgraced shell you feel to be.
I set you on your feet, and I watch you beg.
Beg for grace I have already granted. Begging for a cahnce I have already given. Begging for resolve to not show your cowardice in the face of seperation from Me.
And like a film that's been viewed for days on end, the ending is no surprise.
In fact the beggining, middle and end follow the script complete.
Once more from the top.
"Play it again, Sam."
One more time around the block.

I Am So Sorry

2008-10-31T13:47:00.000-04:00

A million years ago the stars shone quite different.
Lying on the painted ground looking into forever.
So long ago it's impossible to remember exactly how I felt or why I wasn't thinking.
Everything was so perfect, and I let it go.
Let it go God knows where.
Foolish, selfish how ignorant.
I even sang a song about her.
What could have been?
It has been on long goodnight,
and I still think sometimes I'll hear from her.
Ignorance, I know that's impossible.
Desperation, I blame you!
You've ruined so many things.
How often could I say "It would be so nice?"
But you have taken those dreams and scattered them like the stars.
I can't believe what you drove me to.
Stealing a kiss. A sweet theft worth the price.
But you focused on more. More than the sound of a laugh or the smell in the air.
More than enjoying the company of a kindred spirit. More than you could have
Can she ever forgive me?
She never called?
I am so sorry.
She never called?

Alone

2008-10-31T05:47:00.000-04:00

The day is still brand new, and I am all alone.
The earth is spinning, but the world is still.
For now.
For now there is no stirring, save a slight wind through naked tree branches.
Hours from now all will be mad with activity.
So much that the wind will not be heard.

Even through this madness I will be alone.
Regardless of my surroundings at any moment.
The prescence of countless activity may distract me for a time.
Little good it will do.
When the day becomes old I'll feel again.
No one understands my mind but you.
Again, I am alone.

Ex-communication

2008-10-30T08:23:00.000-04:00

No more light.
No more air.
Stuffy silence and quiet stares.
No more laughing
only sleep.
Only darkness seems as deep.
I can't walk
or run with speed.
I can only talk
to voices unseen.
1 to 2 to 3 to 4
and waiting forces only more.
Be here go there
put on the face.
Try not to paint yourself
in the shade of lost grace.
The show must go on,
but currently it won't.
Checking checking checking
no.

Weekend Haiku

2008-10-13T06:55:00.000-04:00

The other foot is down.
Refreshing wind to my face.
The secret is out.

How terrible dawn
seems when she brings more than light.
I'm glad I'm not her.

And glad I'm not him.
Though my heart is torn in two.
While being stretched thin.

Stretched and spread too far.
Thin as dangerous ice is.
Love is still the answer.

Stupid Little Cloud

2008-10-11T09:46:00.000-04:00

I feel like someone died.
I died.
A little bit.
When I wake up I think about all the bright things life has lately.
And there it goes.
Into darkness.
A cloud of doubt and sorrow settles over me.
Not the rest of the world mind you.
They don't carry the same burden.
Not yet.
My heart is heavy.
Stupid cloud.

Head spinning out of control.
Completely broken.
No pride, no dignity.
More shame than one man should have to know.
Fallen.
Fallen and lost.
The world is changed.
Life is changed.
A snowball of excuses and deceit
leading to a storm of guilt and self hate.
But not everywhere.
Over your head for the rest of your life
that stupid little cloud will remind you.
Everything has changed.
It can not be fixed.
Stupid little cloud.

"Time heals all wounds."
Is there enough time?
This squall will be lingering until the world retires.
The rain will always always fall.
Never ending a downpour.
Grace is the only shelter
from this stupid, heartbreaking, guilt inducing, unforgiving, ever present, overbearing little cloud.

Numb

2008-10-10T00:17:00.000-04:00

I suppose I don't deal well with surprises.
In the sense that I don't act all that surprised.
I am.
Usually I am surprised, but I take the expected reaction away from the surpriser
when I don't emote on queue.
I usually am thinking too far ahead.
And the fact that I have already processed all possible solutions
eliminates a certain, well... surprise.

It's the aftermath in which the emotions take over.
All at once though, there is no discernible feeling to lead the group.
Anger, confusion, question, sympathy, mercy, hate, compassion, love...
One big ball of "stay the hell out of my way" emotion.
Call it A.D.D of the heart, but I can't keep one emotion in check while the next stands in line waiting to be addressed.
Questions? Oh yes!
All the W's seem appropriate.
The one question I don't want to know the answer to is, how?
I guess because it doesn't matter any more than I don't care.
This is more than earth shattering. This is soul shaking.

I conclude that my emotions streaming together in a symphony of humanity may sound precious to You. But all I feel is numb.
So many rain drops in a storm make your skin immune to the feeling of each splash.
You look down and you are soaked but not clean.
I feel dirty and wet.
My heart is heavy.
My life is a little higher in the air.
Liar! Sinner! Mirror...
A little personal assessment reminds me I am no man to judge.

Fool

2008-10-09T06:07:00.000-04:00

I'm a fool.
A mess of dirt and filth.
I expect to see changes while running in a circle.
I tread lightly, but I think I can walk on water.
I believe I can stand on my own accomplishments, but I have done nothing.
I have not created bird nor beast.
Nor land or sea.
Why are you concerned with me?
How do you show such restraint?
I'm a hypocrite to you!
Show yourself to me!
Perhaps it is that you have, and I choose not to see.
See or hear, hear or listen. Listen or obey, obey or believe.

Throwing myself in the mud,
I blend in.
Scarcily can I be recognized amongst the filth
You clean me. Yet I soil myself again and again.
Again and again, You clean me pure.
Thank God your hand of mercy stretches farther than my recollection.
Thank God your strength is strong enough for my missteps.